Mating habits
by Enide Dear
Summary: Yuffie finds a new way to make money for the restoration of Wutai


Cid looked up from oiling in the new airship rotor when Vincent came down the stairs. The gunman was in full battle uniform; black leather with all the belts and straps buckled, bandana tying back his flying black hair, brass claws sharpened to deadly edges and dagger shoes on. There was a look of murder on his face as he swung the cape on and slammed Cerberus into the holster with lethal determination.

"Seems like quite an occation." Cid cocked his head at his husband. "Who ya gonna kill?"

"Yuffie." The answer was at least half demon growl.

"Tha's nice." Cid gave the rotor a few more polishing rubs. "Any special reason, or jest ta many ta count?"

Vincent paused and looked back at his hapless husband who was still lovingly taking care of the new airship part. He knew Cid well, and when the pilot was busy with anyone of his many loves, obsessions and vices he was damn hard to distract. And with a new whateveritwas for the Highwind, it was doubtful if Cid would have even noticed if Bahamut Sin crashed through the roof.  
And yet he'd looked up the moment Vincent entered the room. Something warm coiled in the gunman's belly. He supposed that meant that he was Cid's greatest love, obsession and vice.

"Check your phone." Vincent suggested.

Cid wiped his hands somewhat clean and picked up the PHS. He was slightly stunned to see the number of new messages. 'Have you seen this?' followed by a link from Cloud, 'You need to see this,' and the same link from Tifa, 'I didn't need to see this, ' from Barret and so on.

Curious and a bit dreadful, Cid clicked the link.

"It's ShinRa tube," he muttered as Vincent came over to peer over his shoulder. "What is this?"

"Just watch." Vincent crossed his arms.

"Hi!" Cid almost recoiled as Yuffie jumped into the picture. The ninja seemed to have borrowed some of Tifa's old guide clothes; at least the hat and the boots bur fortunately not the blouse. Even if Yuffie had stuffed her bra with every materia she'd ever stolen she could never hope to match Tifa's cleavage. "And welcome to the show 'the Mating Habits of Gaia's Deadliest Creatures'. Today we will look closer on the mating habits of the Foul-mouthed Airborn Swearer and its mate The Skinny Brooding Gunner. Join us as we…"

The rest of the introduction rant was impossible to hear as Cid violently started to live up to his new nickname, including jumping up and down enough to be called airborn. Vincent put a hand on his arm.

"..so stealth is of essence when stalking these deadly creatures. Fortunatelly, I am a ninja as well as a princess so…"

"Ha! She's the noisiest ninja I ever met! She could never hide from us!" Cid scowled.

"We might have been somewhat…preoccupied, chief." Vincent sighed. "Or else Yuffie is simply more clever than we thought. Because it gets worse. Look."

"Despite its delicate looks, The Skinny Gunner is quite a deadly creature and to approach it, The Airborn Swearer must be careful and graceful, least he'll get his head bitten off after the act." Yuffie chirped away, but the video now showed a rather shaky night time photage of Cid and Vincent standing by the Highwind, talking quietly. You could see Cid moving closer, carefully not making any quick movements as Vincent stood still, looking as he might either bold or fight.

"Did she jest compare ya to a Praying Mantis?!" Cid gaped.

"Or to Sephiroth." Vincent huffed. "I'm not sure which is worse."

"Once the first contact is established and the Skinny Brooder has accepted the presence of a potential mate, it becomes very important to send out the right kind of pheromones and scents." The video skipped between Yuffie's smiling face and several pictures of Cid smoking. That in itself was nothing new, but the next video sequence showed Vincent, his nostrils flaring as he inhaled deeply of the foul smoke, following its trail like a dog following a bitch in heat.

Cid face palmed. Then he looked at the number of views on the video and face palmed again. He had a distinct and very unfamiliar urge to find a nice deep, dark coffin in the basement of a spooky house and hide for 30 years.

"Look how the Skinny Brooder displays its tail feathers to indicate its interest! Isn't nature wonderful!" Yuffie squealed as the wind caught Vincent's cape and held it up like a peacock's feathers. And also incidentally giving whoever stood behind his a very nice view of his lean ass. Cid dropped his cig and started fumbling with the phone. Vincent grabbed his arm.

"No, you cannot watch that again. Keep looking."

"Another important part of the ritual is the mating call. In order for the Airborn Swearer to be properly aroused, the swears 'Holy fucking Hell, Gods-damned crappy piece of shit' must be used at least ten times during the time period of three days." The video skipped through a series of short cuts, all displaying Cid in various states of outrage, swearing at his crew, his airship, his cigs, his spear and at one point a very innocent-looking bird that happened by.

Present Cid had a fit.

"That's a lie! That's a fucking lie! I don't fucking repeat myself that often when I swear! Ya little piece of shit!" he fell silent however when the video showed a very serious looking Vincent saying at something: 'Holy fucking Hell, Gods-damned crappy piece of shit.' "Aw, that was fucking 'adorable*!" He grinned.

"And after months of carefully ritualized courting, the two mates can finally do the dirty!" Yuffie exclaimed happily and Cid almost dropped the phone as it started showing him and Vincent, falling into each other's arms in a passionate kiss. The kiss soon turned to groping and shirts were shed, but fortunately the video started to fade out, followed by cheesy, romantic music.

"Right." Cid cleared his throat, eyes blazing. "Lemme get Venus Gospel. Ya go in low, I go in high and we'll meet somewhere in the middle of that little brat's dead body."

"Good plan." Vincent cocked his gun and started to stride out as Yuffie's voice on the video pronounced that 'all profit from this video will go to the restoration of Wutai', but he stopped as Cid grabbed his arm.

"Wait. There is more." He said grim faced.

"More?" Frowning, Vincent looked down at the video where the after text were done running.

"Follow us again next week," Yuffie chirped, "When we'll continue to expose the mating habits of more of Gaia's deadliest creatures. Watch as the two alpha males come head-to-head in the fight over who gets to control the harem-" the video suddenly showed Rufus and Cloud, scowling and ripping at each other's clothes while the Turks stood in the background. It didn't look quite like fighting. Cid's jaw dropped. Vincent's eyebrows shot up. "- but they must beware! For the harem will take any opportunity to indulge!" Now a short video of all the Turks, apparently naked and doing something that was most certainly not fighting. "And later in the season! The hidden tender secret of the One armed Bear!" A photage of Barret, holding a huge bouquet of flowers and knocking on the door. The door opened.

"Was that Reeve?!" Cid's eyes bulged.

"And exclusive photage of the now-extinct breed of First Class Soldiers!" The video showed a meeting room, but from the odd angle of under the table.

"That's Sephiroth and Angeal." Cid said stunned.

"How can they look so stone-faced with their hands down each other's pants?" Vincent shook his head in awe.

"All this and more! For only a small contribution to the restoration of Wutai, we will show you the mating habits of all Gaia's deadliest creatures!" Yuffie smiled as the video trailed off to a mix of nude kissy, groping famous men.

Cid and Vincent stood silent for a moment.

"So, I'm thinking we shouldn't kill her jest yet." Cid said slowly.

"She is a minor." Vincent agreed. "A slap on the wrist should do it."

"Yeah. Hey Vince…." Cid looked up at his taller husband. "How 'bout the Airborn Swearer and the Brooding Gunner get together fer some mating?"

Vincent gave him an amused look. Then, suddenly, the cape flared out, exposing his nice, leather clad ass.

"I say that is a yes, chief."


End file.
